Stained
by Katherine Cruz
Summary: Broken souls are forever stained...The fourth installment of the Shattered series.


**Stained**

_by Kat_

**And it's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high**

Time heals all wounds. That was what they always said. Nothing hurts forever.

Bullshit.

He stared down at his hands, smiling bitterly, his somber eyes silently tracing the faded scars slashed across his palms. Wrapping his hand around the handle, he pushed open the door, bracing for what was would meet him inside. The cold silence that greeted him was usually a comfort. But he knew he wouldn't be so lucky now. He wasn't alone. The memory of her anguished face was branded in his mind, and most nights he could fight it.

Tonight wasn't one of those.

He glanced around the room, the stillness of the penthouse undisturbed as he entered, and he made sure to make no sound as he closed the door.

It was Bobbie's week with the boys and he was grateful for once to have them away. He couldn't handle their faces tonight.

Her presence was all he could take.

_"It wasn't your fault." _

**And it's been awhile  
Since I first saw you**

He leaned wearily against the door, his strength drained, his senses overloaded with her. Her smell still lingered on his clothes, her touch still warmed his skin...her voice...

_"Sonny, I need you. Please."_

He closed his eyes against her voice, his mind refusing to let go of her face no matter how hard he tried to push it away.

_"Everything I want is you."_

Grief welled inside him, pulling at the walls he'd created, stabbing at his heart as he stared into the darkness surrounding him.

_"Sonny...wait. I love you."_

**And it's been awhile  
Since I could stand on my own two feet again  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could call you**

His fisted hand pounded the hard wood behind him, fighting to remain in the moment. She threatened to consume him and he pushed trembling fingers through his hair.

He craved the numbing coldness of the empty void that swirled around him. Wanted it to fill him and erase every thought of her from his mind. But if he closed his eyes, if he gave in, he knew he would see her beautiful, pained eyes pleading to him... he would smell that subdued scent of roses that was so her... he would feel the soft brush of her skin against his face...

His eyes fell across the picture on the mantle seeing Carly's face even from this distance. He knew every curve of her skin. The crinkle of her brow when she laughed, how her nose scrunched in aggravation, the way her eyes went from deep brown to almost black at his touch...

Sonny closed his eyes, drinking in the silence of the room. He refused to give in to the swirling darkness that threatened to engulf him. He could feel it, grabbing at him, tendrils of pain gripping his heart.

_"Sonny...wait. I love you..." _

**And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've stretched myself beyond my means**

Hands covering his ears, Sonny trembled with each step he took. She couldn't love him. Not after everything that had happened. It would destroy her in the end. He would destroy her in the end.

He fell onto the couch, the soft whush of cushions the only sound in the room. He reached inside his jacket, pulling out his gun. The moon reflected off it, giving the only real light in the room.

He sensed the door open but refused to acknowledge the presence that entered. He wanted to be alone.

**And it's been awhile  
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted  
And it's been awhile  
Since I can say I love myself as well**

"Sonny. What are you doing?"

His eyes met Jason's frightened ones. He glanced down at his hand, realizing what it must look like. He blinked rapidly when Jason flipped the wall switch and the room was flooded with light. Placing the gun on the table in front of him, he rose and moved to the balcony doors.

"This wouldn't solve anything Sonny."

He snorted. "I disagree."

That was true...he knew if he left today...things would be better...for everyone...but...

**And it's been awhile  
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do  
And it's been awhile  
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you**

Dying was the coward's way out.

He'd always believed that; a part of him still had to since he continued to move through life even when everything in him screamed to be soothed, to be freed and given some peace. He could hear the droning of someone's voice behind him but his eyes remained focused on the street below, the horizon beyond it, and the water that lay underneath.

He may have been many things but a coward wasn't one of them.

"Jason."

He felt his friend's body tense, waiting for whatever Sonny had to say.

"Yes?"

**And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've gone and fucked things up again**

Sonny glanced at him quickly before turning back to gaze out into the night. "I wasn't going to kill myself." He faced his friend noting the look of doubt that crossed Jason's face. "Don't get me wrong. I have thought about it. Probably will again. But at this moment...I wasn't."

Jason's face spoke volumes to Sonny. He wished he could make it easier for him but he'd never lied to him. He wasn't going to start now.

"Sonny..."

"There's nothing to say Jase."

"I spoke with Carly after you left." Jason watched Sonny stiffen at her name and frowned. "She was upset. What happened?"

"Nothing happened."

"Sonny..."

"Nothing. Happened."

Jason sighed, running his fingers through his hair. Sonny saw the circles under his eyes and felt a pang for the man that always looked out for him. "Go home to Sam, Jason."

**Why must I feel this way?  
Just make this go away  
Just one more peaceful day!**

"No. Not until I know what happened?"

"You can't fix this Jason."

"I didn't say I could."

Sonny smiled sadly as he moved to the bar, pouring a glass of brandy for each of them. He handed one to Jason and drank half of his own in one gulp. "No, you didn't but it's what you're thinking. I know you."

Staring at his hands, Jason felt that ache in his chest. It hurt to love Sonny and Carly. He wished he could take their pain and give them the happiness they didn't understand they deserved. "You're right. I want to help. You have a second chance Sonny. I want to help you guys take it."

"There's no second chance."

**And it's been awhile  
Since I could look at myself straight  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry**

Jason stared at him, unsure what to say. He wasn't clear what Sonny meant to begin with. "What...I don't...?"

Sonny glanced at Carly's picture, averting his eyes quickly. He rubbed one hand over his scar. "I can't let her be with me. I nearly destroyed her before Jason. I can't...no I won't let that happen."

"You? Sonny that wasn't you...that was that sick bastard!" Jason's voice echoed in the stillness of the room. "You can't think that what happened was your fault!"

Sonny nodded. "It was." His hand cut off Jason's rebuttal. "I let him do that to her. I let my fear get the best of me. I practically handed that son of a bitch my wife." He could feel the memories of that time rushing at him and he blocked them. "There's no way to forgive that."

**And it's been awhile  
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face  
And it's been awhile  
But I can still remember just the way you taste**

Jason shook his head. "You cannot be serious Sonny."

"I am. There's no going back Jase. Every time Carly looks at me, she's going to know I couldn't protect her. I wasn't there for her. I failed her."

"That makes no..."

"And every time I look at her...I'm afraid that I'll..."

"You'll what?" Jason stepped closer to his friend and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You'll what Sonny?"

Their eyes held for a moment as Sonny spoke. "I won't be able to let go of the guilt and pain. I'll remember that night. I'll feel every single cut again and again. And she'll see that. And it'll kill her Jase. It'll kill her."

**And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me  
I cannot blame this on my father  
He did the best he could for me**

Jason stepped away, understanding the damage Alcazar had cost his family. The loss was a heavy weight on his chest. Even more so with the next words that fell out of his mouth.

"She's coming home tomorrow Sonny."

Sonny's hand stilled, the glass held in his grip, frozen in mid-air. After a length that seemed never ending and with an impressive amount of restraint, it was placed on the table. Turning to look at him, Sonny brought shell-shocked eyes to meet his.

"What are you taking about?"

"You heard me." Jason said. "Carly's coming home to you."

He caught the quick glint of happiness that shone in Sonny's eyes but almost as quickly it dimmed and they returned to their usual dull, tainted state. It sparked anger in him and he held Sonny's gaze. "You can't run from her now. She'll be here. In the same building. Sometimes even in the same room. You'll see her and all those feelings you push away, all those memories you deny, all that love that exists between the two of you will come to surface."

Sonny shook his head, unable or perhaps, just unwilling to acknowledge the facts that were being stated. "I'll destroy us both Jason." With little strength, he sat, staring out somewhere Jason couldn't see.

He couldn't help them. He knew that. They had to find each other on their own. He turned his back to Sonny, and forced his feet to head to the door. Halfway out of the room, he spoke without looking back. "You have a point, Sonny. Sometimes you can't move forward. Sometimes it becomes too hard to see the good anymore. But if you don't even try, then you will destroy Carly and yourself. And you know what?"

This time he turned and glancing at the picture over the mantle he said, "If that happens, then you have to live knowing you let that bastard win."

Sonny's head fell to his hands, the sound of the door closing and Jason words reverberating his mind...

**And it's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry**

**Lyrics: It's Been Awhile by Staind**


End file.
